


Inadequacy

by Babe_Chan



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexual Character, Body Image, Complicated Relationships, Depression, Drug Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender Confusion, Gender Issues, Gender Related, Growing Up, Homophobia, Inspired by Real Events, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Origin Story, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Other, Pansexual Character, Phobias, Real Life, Relationship(s), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Weight Gain, Weight Issues, What-If, Young Love, body issues, growing up at a young age, just a way for me to vent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:12:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2283063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babe_Chan/pseuds/Babe_Chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of these are just my thoughts...others are from the perspective of Derrek, my male self, and everything going on around me. So at least I can tell someone about theses things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ephemeral of happiness

**Author's Note:**

> This one is just plain old me and my ramblings...

Sometimes I wonder where happiness goes...no seriously where does it go and where can I find it?

Is it under a rock or maybe behind a tree? Wherever it is I can't seem to really find it anymore. 

Like when you're a kid things that made you happy or filled you with happiness were always just around the corner, from fresh baked cookies to snow days or even watching a show you really like.

But my question is where does that go as you grow older?

I haven't the faintest clue to be honest...but I wish I did.

I mean I wasn't really happy as most kids when I was younger, I mean I smiled and had moments where I was happy for a short time.  
But the feeling never lasted, it was like fireworks where the feeling was fleeting and did it for the moment but later on I ended up feeling empty inside and I didn't understand.

Why wasn't I happy?

What was wrong with me?

Why can't I stay happy?

Why do I feel like something's missing?

 

And the list went on and on with no sign of being answered. I found myself wanting to be alone...that way I wouldn't bring anyone down...natural thing to keep the people you care about happy so they don't feel the way you do.

As I got older I noticed that moments where I was truly happy grew scare and rarer with each passing day. To the point I thought it was normal to feel empty inside because well if it wasn't it would have fixed it self over time.

The more I dealt with that feeling of sad or even indifferent about things the less living I felt. Like I was some numb ,lifeless, detached thing that had their mind and body on autopilot. Just watching the world around me go by as I was watching it all happen but more like I was watching life first person instead of living.

Since I hit puberty I can count on one hand how many times I felt happiness yet could fill a sea with the times I felt nothing.

So with that I've realized that happiness is ephemeral...it's quick and that's all.


	2. Smoking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just sharing my story on smoking.

I remember when the first time I smoked a cigarette I was about 16, it was late November and it was nighttime. I was with a friend that I had know since I was in the 3rd grade. She and I had sneaked out of her house after her parents fell asleep and went to the lot next door since no one ever went there and it had tall trees so we could be hidden.

  
They were menthol, the long kind, the brand was either Newport or Misty ones but I'm pretty sure they were the Misty kind. They came in a tall tealish box if I remember correctly. They had a bitter taste that I liked, I remember taking that first drag with ease, as if I had been doing it for years, and let the smoke fill my lungs before I let the smoke out slowly and watched it swirled around before fading away.

 

After that it just happened every couple of months, I could go a month if not more without smoking and be fine, and at some point I would be like ' _I need a smoke, fuck it_ ' kind of thing.

 

Sometimes I would tell my mom that I was going on a walk but in reality I was far away from the house to have a smoke. Or if I was at my friends house we'd tell her parents we were gonna walk around the neighborhood or just sit in the empty lot next door to talk about stuff, sometimes she would smoke with me but most of the time she would only smoke half of one and give the rest to me.

  
Other times I went to the school's parking lot, well it wasn't theirs but the people parked their cars there, and I would get in the car of a mutual friend of mine. There I would just take those few minutes to unwind and forget about my problems before getting out of the car and popping some gum in my mouth and go back to the school since I smoked during my lunchtime or early in the morning.

 

One time, during my freshman year, I was hanging out with a girl from my science class. She was babysitting some kids at the bowling alley, we'd take breaks every so often when she and I went outside in the chilly air and sat on the side of the building. We smoked, shared thoughts as we did, and if I remember right they were Marlboro ones, I loved them better than the cigarettes I normally smoked.

 

To be honest I like Marlboro 100s, the red kind, because it reminds me of my grandma since she used to smoke them when I was younger. I just liked the smell of them, they gave me comfort so whenever I walked past someone and I smelt it on them I just smiled a little and went on with my day.

I've even smoked a hooka before, sure it wasn't like a cigarette but I liked it and still do like it.

Most people are addicted to them but not me the last one I smoked was in June, time before that was during my sophomore year when I used to sit in the school's parking lot. Sometimes I just need to smoke but other times I don't need them and if anything I don't want them.

 

I think the only reason I like smoking is because of the clouds of smoke that leave my mouth, I feel like a dragon or even some sort of assassin that hides in the shadows and smoke.

The only person in my family that knows is my older brother, I made him swear not to breath a word. He agreed and asked me why I did smoke and when was the last time. I shared to him the story you just read, well I mean I mentioned people's names, but all he did was look at me and just said he never took me as a smoker.

But he's kept his promise and I'm grateful for that, I in return promised to never breath a word about how he wanted to drink certain alcohol.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read this, all of it, then thank you...glad to know my voice was heard even for a moment.


End file.
